I was browsing around a little store. There was a big table with all kinds of books stacked around each other. I slowly walked with my eyes skipping across every other book. My eyes landed on one that grabbed my attention immediately. I picked it up to look it over and on the front it said “burn after writing”. That’s strange why would you burn a book? After closer reading, I realized it was a book that asked all kinds of personal things about yourself. And you had to be brutally honest. No wonder it said to burn after writing. I wanted to toss it down, but I really couldn’t. I needed this book. I needed to be honest with myself for awhile. And maybe this book will help me do just that. But then I thought about Joshua finding it and reading it or someone else. All though I didn’t have stuff to hide the thought still really made me nervous. Why was it freaking me out and exciting me at the same time?!
It’s been a few days and my book is still sitting near my bed. I haven’t touched it, not even looked through it. Every time I see it I want to get it out and start writing in it. But at the same time I don’t want to. Part of me doesn’t want anything to do with it at all. What am I so afraid of? What am I not facing? There must be something I’m not being honest with myself about.
I finally drag it out in private and start reading through it. The book is asking me to sign it. Sign that I’ll answer each question about myself honestly. I skipped past the signing part thinking it sounded pretty cheesy. I mean why should I sign it? I know if what I’m writing or not is true. Anyways I was skipping through some of the questions. If you had one person to stick in a room and torture for one night who would it be? EASY!!! Jeremy!! What posters did you have on your wall as a teen, again, easy. The Beetles, Dawsones Creek. I laugh a little at the thought of some of the silliness I did have on my wall as a kid. Ok, next question. What did you want to be when you grew up? What is your favorite food? I go in to write and pause.. what did I want to be when I grew up? A lawyer maybe. And my favorite food, that should be easier than the questions I just answered. But I can’t answer it. I can’t answer because I don’t know. I started randomly thinking of food, but nothing stuck out to me. I can’t answer this question. If I can’t answer something so simple how on earth will I get through this book. I mean sure, I can put it on the top of my closet and forget about it. But somehow I knew I couldn’t do that.
First time I seen you in well over a year. I really missed you and wanted to tell you. You were never really easy to talk to tho. You aged a lot this past year, I can see it in your face. I couldn’t stop watching you, but you wouldn’t get still enough to look at me. My eyes pleaded with you to pay attention to me. My heart cried out for you to love me. I watched as you messed around the kitchen with your new daughter in law. And I watched you play with her daughters hair. I watched how you embraced their new baby and covered him with kisses. I listened to you talk sweetly to your boyfriend and treat him so lovingly. I watched how you loved on my brother for having her there and you tell him how much you love him. I wish I could have been a part of that. You barley spoke a word to me tho and you ignored my daughter completely. You didn’t bother with my husband. And your boyfriend didn’t bother saying a word to us. I guess I’ll always crave your attention, but I except that I’ll never get it. Happy Thanksgiving mother.
I love you so much. I’m sorry I haven’t spoken with you in a while. I’ve needed some time away from you. You caused me a lot of pain in my life. And I felt like I needed a break from it. I don’t understand why you done the things you have done or why you had continued to treat me a certain way. I forgive you mom. I forgive you for all the things you done to me as a child. I forgive you for the bad ways you made me feel. I forgive you for allowing me to get hurt. I forgive you for how you treated me as an adult. I forgive you for not being there for me. I don’t understand the reasons but whatever they are. I forgive you. I know you must have had some terrible things happen to you in your life to cause you so much bitterness. I can’t imagine the pain you must have gone through for you to have taken it out on your little girl. I’m so sorry for all the bad that happened to you. I’m sorry you weren’t loved the way you had deserved to be loved. Or treated the way you deserve to be treated. I hope one day you can forgive me too. And all the people who have cause you pain. I love you mom so much.
Here I am missing you again mom. Joshua is sick, on top of not being able to walk for six weeks because of his knee surgery. We fought today, we’ve fought a lot lately. Mostly because I’m tired. I feel like I’m doing everything alone, mostly because I am. I wish I could tell you about it, ask for your advise…for your help. But I’m still not talking to you. Why didn’t you make better choices mother? If you had, I would have been able to call you right now. I’d ask you to come curl up on my couch with me and have a cup of coffee. I’d tell you how stressed these last few weeks have been and how I’ve felt every bit of giving up. I’d lean my head on your shoulder and tell you how much I miss daddy and how I wish I was able to have one more conversation with him. I miss him a lot lately. I’d ask you what I’m supposed to do in this phase of my life. 35 no biological children, living with a man that is my pretend husband. I love him dearly, but it would be nice to have his last name. God mother, why can’t you just love me. Good night mother.
I just need to know, I just want to know
Where are you
This feeling I’m following, for something I don’t know
Is it just crazy, it’s got to be crazy
I keep following, where the hell am I going
I got to have it, I think I just need to have it
I accidentally got the bath too full. The little round thing that sucks in the water is completely covered. It mad me really uneasy so I scooted to one side of the tub trying to ignore it. I can’t seem t get comfortable tho, I don’t feel safe. So I reach down and pull the plug to release the over filled tub down to my comfort level again. I myself rather shower any day. Matter of fact I bathe maybe once every six months. Sometimes not even that often. I did tonight because I was so cold and I wanted to warm up fast. I spent half an hour or more cleaning the bathroom before I was able to bathe. I’m so grossed out by bathtubs. I’ve always been afraid of public showers and tubs too. Like at hotels, even the really nice expensive ones. I dream about dirty bathrooms often too. Strange.
Old familiarity, you’ve left me. I’ve tried to find you in old places, I linger longer than I should, just waiting for you. I’ll feel shame and dirty for what I’m about to write. But I miss you. Remember our rides we use to take? I’d break a hydro in half place it on my tongue and generally follow with a drink of red bull or a mocha frappe from Starbucks. I also smoked then, so after I would light my cigarette and get excited for the feeling that would soon follow. I didn’t need to be around anybody, I felt perfectly content. I’d turn my music up loud and drive out to the same spots we would always meet. Your high would embrace every surface of my body, we would forget all pain and enjoy each others company for hours. We made each other so happy. You come at an unreasonable price tho, so I had to eventually leave you, all of you. Thank God I never got so addicted to your high that I couldn’t let you go. I even quit smoking and drinking red bull. I couldn’t have anything that reminded me of you. I stop taking those drives were we’d meet. However, I have never stopped longing for that old familiar feeling. The one that I have found that no one else can give me. I’ve recently quit my antidepressants and its made me miss you again. But I will never reach out to you ever again.