Dear mom

I love you so much. I’m sorry I haven’t spoken with you in a while. I’ve needed some time away from you. You caused me a lot of pain in my life. And I felt like I needed a break from it. I don’t understand why you done the things you have done or why you had continued to treat me a certain way. I forgive you mom. I forgive you for all the things you done to me as a child. I forgive you for the bad ways you made me feel. I forgive you for allowing me to get hurt. I forgive you for how you treated me as an adult. I forgive you for not being there for me. I don’t understand the reasons but whatever they are. I forgive you. I know you must have had some terrible things happen to you in your life to cause you so much bitterness. I can’t imagine the pain you must have gone through for you to have taken it out on your little girl. I’m so sorry for all the bad that happened to you. I’m sorry you weren’t loved the way you had deserved to be loved. Or treated the way you deserve to be treated. I hope one day you can forgive me too. And all the people who have cause you pain. I love you mom so much.

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Good night mother

Here I am missing you again mom. Joshua is sick, on top of not being able to walk for six weeks because of his knee surgery. We fought today, we’ve fought a lot lately. Mostly because I’m tired. I feel like I’m doing everything alone, mostly because I am. I wish I could tell you about it, ask for your advise…for your help. But I’m still not talking to you. Why didn’t you make better choices mother? If you had, I would have been able to call you right now. I’d ask you to come curl up on my couch with me and have a cup of coffee. I’d tell you how stressed these last few weeks have been and how I’ve felt every bit of giving up. I’d lean my head on your shoulder and tell you how much I miss daddy and how I wish I was able to have one more conversation with him. I miss him a lot lately. I’d ask you what I’m supposed to do in this phase of my life. 35 no biological children, living with a man that is my pretend husband. I love him dearly, but it would be nice to have his last name. God mother, why can’t you just love me. Good night mother.

Butterfly’s

I just need to know, I just want to know

Where are you

This feeling I’m following, for something I don’t know

Is it just crazy, it’s got to be crazy

I keep following, where the hell am I going

I got to have it, I think I just need to have it

Bathrooms

I accidentally got the bath too full. The little round thing that sucks in the water is completely covered. It mad me really uneasy so I scooted to one side of the tub trying to ignore it. I can’t seem t get comfortable tho, I don’t feel safe. So I reach down and pull the plug to release the over filled tub down to my comfort level again. I myself rather shower any day. Matter of fact I bathe maybe once every six months. Sometimes not even that often. I did tonight because I was so cold and I wanted to warm up fast. I spent half an hour or more cleaning the bathroom before I was able to bathe. I’m so grossed out by bathtubs. I’ve always been afraid of public showers and tubs too. Like at hotels, even the really nice expensive ones. I dream about dirty bathrooms often too. Strange.

7/16

Old familiarity, you’ve left me. I’ve tried to find you in old places, I linger longer than I should, just waiting for you. I’ll feel shame and dirty for what I’m about to write. But I miss you. Remember our rides we use to take? I’d break a hydro in half place it on my tongue and generally follow with a drink of red bull or a mocha frappe from Starbucks. I also smoked then, so after I would light my cigarette and get excited for the feeling that would soon follow. I didn’t need to be around anybody, I felt perfectly content. I’d turn my music up loud and drive out to the same spots we would always meet. Your high would embrace every surface of my body, we would forget all pain and enjoy each others company for hours. We made each other so happy. You come at an unreasonable price tho, so I had to eventually leave you, all of you. Thank God I never got so addicted to your high that I couldn’t let you go. I even quit smoking and drinking red bull. I couldn’t have anything that reminded me of you. I stop taking those drives were we’d meet. However, I have never stopped longing for that old familiar feeling. The one that I have found that no one else can give me. I’ve recently quit my antidepressants and its made me miss you again. But I will never reach out to you ever again.

Asleep

In my sleep, I swear it’s the only time I can feel whats real. My senses are clearer here. I want to feel this forever. I want to be here forever or at least longer. Like a child that that’s outside playing and doesn’t want to come in. I don’t want to wake up. this serves as my family, my lovers and my  friends. It’s enough here and so much more. These feelings and emotions are not alive. Come with me and I’ll show you what it’s like here.

Watch your step, when I show up here I am almost always in the woods first. It’s getting dark out but don’t be afraid. There is a house up ahead, it will always be there. it will look different every time, but you can always count on it being there. See there it is just up ahead. There wont be anyone there to greet us. But you will feel the presence of people here. Your first reaction will be to run and hide, just wait tho, the feeling is quickly replaced with courage and over whelming curiosity. You will love that feeling, it will almost always over come any fear you feel here. It will give you a chance to search your fears. Kind of like seeing your fear and walking inside it to see whats inside. It can also be dangerous. You can’t stay inside your fear for very long, it starts to look attractive. And you will start to crave it without realizing it. Like all the bad will start taking you over. I tend to stand outside fears doors and just look in occasionally. These doors to the house are never locked, so we can just walk right in. The lights here don’t work either, but as the sun goes down, it shines through the windows enough for us to see. See all these drawers and cabinets? This is where my curiosity comes in heavy. I don’t know what it is but something is there for me to find. I almost get frantic when i’m searching. Don’t let this feeling frustrate you too much, you are not going to find what you are looking for. I don’t know why that is, after all these years I have yet to figure that out. So the incomplete feeling will always linger with you. My fun is in the searching tho. Lets walk into the living room, I want to show you something. There, now look up. Its amazing, the stairs go on for days here. And there are hundreds of rooms to go through. Don’t be frightened, this is where you will feel someones presence with us. It’s not too scary. I don’t think these people are dead, I think we are just seeing moments in the past that happened here. sometimes there’s more than one. They won’t try to talk to you and generally they look right through you like they don’t even know we are here. You can watch them if you like, they just go on with their lives here. Most of the time I will only see them in the kitchen or living room. Every once in awhile when I am up stairs I’ll see one there. Those scare me more than the ones downstairs. Somehow the ones up stairs can sense that I am here, they still don’t harm me, but sometimes I’ll catch one looking at me or they may even follow me through a few rooms.

6/9/18

I could really use a mom right now. Felt pretty lonely and decided to try and chat with a girl I’ve been playing “words with friends” with. I think she thinks I’m nuts now and I’m totally embarrassed. 🤦🏼‍♀️